28 Oct 2014

Journey .... Believe .....

Hi there!
 
I decided to use this week's CSI challenge for something very, very personal; something that has come to define who I am today.
 
Here is what the challenge looks like:
 
 
And here is what I worked on for the past 2 days:
 
 
The title of my piece is actually 'hard tho the journey may be, believe dreams can come true'.  The photographs are of 1 and a half IVF's cycle's worth of syringes and needles.
 
Scheme : all there
Evidence : mixed media background, flowers, stamps, floral pattern
Testimony : I journaled about something I have achieved - namely overcoming infertility.  I've had to put my journaling on the back
 
Never in a million years did I expect that something so natural, beautiful and miraculous as conception, be so very difficult for me to achieve.  I had very fertile parents, after all.
 
For a solid 9 years, we slogged.  For 9 solid years, my body failed to do the one thing it was designed  - but not destined! - to do.  So easy for some.  Downright impossible for many.
 
Mentally, I went through a Myriad of emotions.  Anger, depression, RAGE, resignation, FURY, resentment, jealousy, HATRED, confusion.  My prayers turned from asking nicely to unashamedly begging to questioning WHY others and not me?  WHY underage girls, child abusers, vagrants??  I was on several prayer groups; people who had never met me, who I'd never met - and never will - were praying for my miracle to happen.  It never did.  My faith faltered.   I took a great leap back, because I could not understand what I had done wrong.
 
Many days over 2001 - 2010 I cannot remember.  I mostly took very strong painkillers so that life, babies, children, nappies, dummies could pass me by in a haze - or so that I could JUST SLEEP.  I was tired.  The fight was very, very hard.  There were times when my voice didn't work.  I would sit down and just stare.  Only my eyes worked.  I had no strength to move my body.  What was the point anyway?
 
I begged Travers to leave me - find someone who could give him a child.  I lacked the strength to leave him - so begged him to do it.  He stuck by me - in sickness and in health.  As long as we had each other, it would be fine.  But it wasn't.  For what felt like forever, it wasn't.
 
Towards the end of 2009, after our last failed IVF with donor eggs we were utterly shattered - physical and mentally.  It was a turning point for us, because suddenly we were excited about adoption.  We really HAD given it our all, but were hitting a brick wall.
 
Natural conception and pregnancy were obviously NOT meant to be on the cards for us.
 
When I held Isabella for the very first time, the burden of infertility lifted.  The sun shone brightly through the window of the hospital room.  But not as brightly as our beaming faces.  Here we were - after everything we'd been through - holding our child.  Our very own child.
 
As terrible and heart wrenching as infertility is, I have learned some valuable lessons.  Compassion - NEVER ask someone why they are "so damned miserable" because you do NOT know what burden they are carrying.  Patience - I hated people for saying it to me, but all good things DO come to those who wait.  Value - you just get to appreciate so many things, when you've always taken for granted what comes naturally.  Love - I can't believe that Travers stood by me through it all.  I just can't.
 
My infertility has defined me.  It has changed me in so many positive ways.  My outlook on life changed drastically.  I don't remember who I was before it; I cannot imagine my life without it.
 
Through many friends I've made who are still in the trenches, I am constantly reminded of life as an infertile.  I may not have beat infertility in the physical sense, but mentally - I kicked butt!!!
 
Here are some close-ups.

 
The background paper is watercolour paper.  I smudged some gelato colours and then misted.  The white bits that you see is stencilled texture paste, onto which I sprinkled UTEE and embossing powder - both white.

 
I'm crazy about these chippie circles that seems to have become all the rage!!!  I have several so you might just see more on future LO's!!  LOL!!

 
Thanks so much for your visit!!

2 comments:

  1. Ok so I am sitting here typing this and the tears are pouring down my face and I am sobbing... big, loud wracking sobs - the kind that leave you shattered and weak and puffy eyed.... Today is a hard day for me anyway being the anniversary of her death but what brought it on was your journalling. I don't even think I can tell you what your layout looks like I couldn't get past the photos. It was as if you were writing my story word for word, year for year and experience for experience... the myriad of feelings came rushing back and I remember being bitter and hateful and wishing even that something would happen to give that other person just a taste of what I was going through. I wanted them to feel ripped apart and emotionally torn like I was... our endings were different though... I lost my mom and I just thought how much more hurt can one person take. We moved to another country where we knew no-one and I had never felt so alone and unloved and unworthy. Suicide seemed like the only way to end my pain. Simon refused to even consider adoption and I had nothing left. Then in my very darkest moment I fell pregnant. To this day I don't know how or why...but I have never been so grateful for anything either. I didn't let that time define who I was to become I accepted it and I let it go and I have lived every moment since then like it was my last. I am sorry I didn't mean to unleash like this but there you go. I love love love this layout and everything that it represents. You are an amazing human being and Isabella is the luckiest girl alive to have chosen you to be her mother. <3

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  2. An amazing testimony of love. You went into a storm and the person you are today was the result. You are an amazing woman xx

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