27 Sep 2013

Me

For this weeks' challenge at CSI, I decided to dig deep.  This is in a bid to get myself out of my current rut and to actually verbalise what is going on inside my silly head as of late.
 
It is a VERY personal piece for me; and for me to have to have taken a shot of myself for this took a tremendous amount of guts on my part.  I despise being in front of the camera.  And I despise mirrors.  I avoid the latter at all costs; unless I am applying make up.
 
So this is what the challenge looks like.
 
 
It is a fun, funky challenge; but my take on it is rather sombre.  Sorry to have spoiled the whole mood of it :-(

 
Murphy is being a bit of a prat as of late by making the weather hideously overcast each time I want to take pics of my LO's ... so again, do forgive the darker quality of this shot.  That said, I guess I was going for a morbid feel, based on my journaling .....
 
Scheme : all colours
Evidence : triangles, white space, polka dots (on a flower)
Testimony : I used one of Mama Kat's prompts - "When I look in the mirror"
 
Journaling:
When I look in the mirror, I don’t like what I see; I never have and I don’t think I ever will.  Because,
When I look in the mirror I am physically, no longer the person I knew.
When I look in the mirror, I berate myself for letting myself go; and in so doing, looking the way I do now.
When I look in the mirror, I long to find the motivation I once had to become physically strong and fit again.
When I look in the mirror, I wonder what I did in life to find the best possible husband and the perfect daughter.
When I look in the mirror, I am sure I don’t deserve them?
When I look in the mirror, I long to see myself the way my husband, daughter and daddy does.
When I look in the mirror, I cannot see how or why I am worthy?
When I look in the mirror, I can feel that something is clawing its way out to the top; but
When I look in the mirror, I can’t put my finger on what is holding me back.
When I look in the mirror, I realise that there are big gaps within me that are weak; so
When I look in the mirror, I hate myself even more.
BUT.
When I look in the mirror, I do see Isabella’s mommy and a girl who loves with a fierce passion.
When I look in the mirror, I see what I have been able to overcome and that I have survived.
When I look in the mirror, I know that I will eventually conquer this lack of self worth.
When I look in the mirror, I KNOW that I can do it, I just need to find ME again..
 
I am so sorry about how utterly depressing this is; but I am using it to kick myself up the butt to get moving - literally and figuratively.
 
I must say; I do love CSI for this - forcing me to do the journaling and thereby soul searching, documenting, remembering...  after all, isn't that what scrapbooking is about, at the end of the day???
 
Anyway.  Here are some close ups.  I REALLY felt like getting my hands dirty today and working on creating as much texture in one small space as possible.
 
I laid down a piece of gauze and a strip of lace and then gesso'ed over them both.  Then I painted the entire page with white acrylic paint, because the paper itself was too cream for my liking (or this challenge!).  I also made a corner 'frame' by gesso'ing down a small strand of pearls.
 
The drips on the page are Lindy's Stamp Gang.

 
I felt the page needed to be lifted a bit because it seemed SO depressed; so I added a small cluster of flowers and brads.

 
My title is chipboard, covered in a layer of Glossy Accents.  For the triangles, I splattered a strip of water colour paper with Lindy's Stamp Gang and Dazzles and then proceeded to select the best splotches for my triangles.

1 comment:

  1. Ai my friend. I wish I can sit and have a cup of coffee with you...and tell you how amazing you are. I look at you and what I see and what you see when you look in the mirror are way different things. You are precious, not as Isabella's mommy or your hubby's wife. You are precious and amazing all by yourself.

    I am sure you found a lot of therapy in this layout.

    ReplyDelete